Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
