upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
