I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
