So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
