You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
