Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
