sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
