worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize