I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
