I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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