tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Someone signed my nipple.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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