In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think my tv is drunk
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
