omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
