is your mom at the bar?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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