I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I did not marry a roomba.
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