I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
