It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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