3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
