I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
