I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
