Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
