i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
