I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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