She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
