I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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