I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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