why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
