Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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