there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
