a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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