i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize