I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
