my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
