Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
