the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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