Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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