it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
