if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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