i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
