I can text with my tongue
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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