Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
