No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
