next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
