and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
