He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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