Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
