i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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