Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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