My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
