I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
