i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
