I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
