Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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