I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize