Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
