I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
