Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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