My cat gives me a boner
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry about my life...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
