Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Randomize
