there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
