You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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