i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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