Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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