Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
