I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
