chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
