Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have post one night stand depression
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